A Stirring in the Silence
shhh…be still .
what is it that you hear when there’s nothing but silence?
only you and your own thoughts
the beating of your heart
and the wind blowing through your hair
it’s just you
on a cold hard concrete surface
staring at the ground
then staring at the ceiling
but even in silence there still seems to be noise
the sound of turmoil within yourself
turmoil you didn’t even know existed until you stilled and quieted yourself
the silence sheds light on that which you’ve hidden….
your very humanity
in the silence you find frustrations and dissapointments rise to the forefront of your mind
but as you sit a little longer in the silence you find that….
silence is a gift
there seems to be a stirring within the silence
it is in the silence and solitude that things within are revealed and brought to the surface
face to face with your own humanity
your own fears, faults and insecurities
it’s in the silence that comes a gentle, tender voice
in the midst of the whirlwind and pain of facing yourself you here
“shhh…be still…i. love. you.”
now, its in the silence that you have a choice:
accept your humanity
or feel guilt and shame and cover it up again
accept your humanity and you begin to hear a love song written about you and for you
this song has been written for you before you were even born
at the core of your broken humanity there’s a song still written and sang over you
the song is on repeat every day, all day long
no matter hidden or revealed in the silence
“I love you”
Before this trip the Father said “come away with me and walk with me.” To be completely honest I thought this was going to be easy and smooth riding. Oh, how wrong I was. The Father has been reminding that He has invited me to walk with him as WE journey into myself and into His heart. How much the Father loves me that He doesn’t allow me to operate the way I’ve always operated. How much He loves me that He brings me through the fire….to burn off every hinderance, every blinder, every misconception and fear until there’s only love. How much he loves me that he chooses to walk with me through it all AND holds my hand! How deep the Father’s love for me that He brought me to San Juan for 2 weeks, though they’ve been painful and vulnerable. It’s been a journey into accepting my flesh and discovering my true self.
Sunday, November 17 our squad spread out across the property we were living on and sat in silence and solitude for 8 hours. These 8 hours of solitude and silence led me to coming face to face with the reality of myself and the things that have held me back, paralyzed and crippled me:
my codependency…getting my needs met by others..living off the approval of others
counterfeit identity….receiving secondhand and not firsthand from the Father
getting affirmation and the green light from others before doing or saying something because i don’t believe in myself
lack of confidence and trust in myself
lack of confidence and trust in the Father
fear of rejection
fear of not being enough
fear of what others think
fear of losing that which i have obtained and gained
fear of being myself
fear of being left or forgotten or forsaken
fear of not being seen, heard, known and understood
After the 8 hours of silence and what not we came together as a squad and worshipped. However, it wasn’t your normal guitar and drum worship. We sang our own songs to the Father. We gave back to Him what He first gave us….his very breath. The silence was broken by sons and daughters taking their place and singing what the Father sings over them, ” worthy, i love you, beautiful, thank you.” I said “no” to all that has enslaved me. Instead of living in the shadows of my own cage, I came out in the light and stood on top and sang. I took the first step out in confidence and boldness. I defeated the enemy that night. Every day I have to decide to stand in the light on top of the cage, to accept and release my humanity….or sit in the shadows of the cage, crippled by fear and shame. I’m done sitting in the shadows. I’m tired of doubting and shrinking back. I’m done with the fears and insecurities. I want the heartbeat of my very existence to beat to the rhythm of the Father’s.
“…’You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off,’ fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you. I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand….. For I the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘fear not, I am the one who helps you.’.” Isaiah 41:10, 13
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. ” Isaiah 43:18-19
“But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light.” Ephesians 5:13-14
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:15
This Blog, seriously, so so great! Love seeing what the Fathers doing in you!!!!
LOVE this LB. Billy had such a great time hanging out with you in Honduras! He thinks pretty highly of you. And lets face it, so do I! Praying for you today. Love you!!
So good!:)