Entry from December 4, 2013
Today we were in the pool, not to swim, but to de-tile the sucker. For those who have never detiled…its quite a job, not to mention doing it in a country without power tools. We are de-tiling a pool thats at least 10-12 feet deep on one side and quite large to say the least. not only is this a huge project, but even bigger when you are using a hammer and a makeshift nail thing to detile such a large area. As we were doing this I wanted to cry because I didn’t just see a pool that was in desperate need of new tile because the tile was old and rotten but I saw myself. I, too, am like this pool. Jesus comes to rip off and destroy my tile. It’s painful….i’ve had this tile for so long. I’m used to it. Even though pool water hasn’t been it in for awhile and my tile has been of no use…I’m familiar with it. It’s been a part of me for so long…useful or not. Being de-tiled is painful and vulnerable. Some tiles are harder than others to get off. Sometimes you have to hammer at it for a longer period of time to get all the residue away. It hurts. It’s a long process, a painful process. But what gives me hope is that no matter how painful or how long it’s going to take I am joyous and hopeful for the new tile that will plastered on. Thankfully, it doesn’t all happen in one day. You need time to get all the old tile out in the shallow end and re-tile that area before you move further into the deep area. But because of the beauty that came out of the shallow end you can be expectant for the deep end renovation and transformation. I am like a pool being re-tiled.
December 6
I wrote what you see above just two days ago and had no idea what was going to come today. This morning I woke up and sat by the pool. My intention in going down by the pool was in order to have a place where I could jump up and down and skip where no one could see me as I got lost with Jesus. After a little while of worshipping alone with Jesus, I lied down by the empty pool. I began to think of all the things I’ve wanted to do or be but have told myself “no, I’m not good enough for this.” I tried to sit there and dream but I kept hearing in my head, “you’re not good enough, someone’s better at that.” I sat up and stared at the pool tiles, a little discouraged and I almost began to be frustrated with myself for feeling the way I was feeling. So, I stood up and began pacing around as I was still listening to some worship music. Immediately I began to speak out loud the things I was feeling and the different things holding me back from being fully myself, including my dreams and desires. I spoke out loud the truth. I declared that I’m taking back the dreams, the truth, the love that I’ve allowed to be taken from me. I cried out to Jesus for help and I told Him that I no longer want to be held back by fear or inadequacy. I sat back down, stared some more at this pool and all of a sudden the thought came in my heart…”what if I wrote down the things holding me back on these pool tiles and then smashed them?” After I got this awesome thought I ran as fast as I could all the way up the winding stairs to one of my teammates, Rachel to tell her my idea. I was so excited and wanted to tell someone and also ask if she thought it was a good idea to involve our whole team in doing this together! She loved it. So, I told everyone on the team.
This afternoon, we gathered in the pool. This time with only markers and hammers. Each of us picked a place in the pool to write down the different things holding us back, the lies we are still believing and the things we’ve allowed the enemy to steal from us. After writing these we gathered around each person’s section to pray. But, before we prayed over each person and we spoke out the things we wrote. We then proceeded to pray for those things to no longer hold us back…to reclaim what’s ours! After doing this 6 times (for all 6 of us on the team) we began the smashing process. We each took our hammers and boldly smashed these tiles with a hammer. I call it the FREEDOM SMASH! It felt so relieving to be able to smash the tiles, but more than that, to DECLARE that we are FREE, no longer held back by fear, lust, inadequacy, approval, people, things, worry, depression, or anger…that we are FREE INDEED! We made a declaration that we are reclaiming what is ours…our identity, inheritance, dreams and desires.
I choose to walk and live in my freedom, to no longer allow the enemy to oppress me and steal things from me. Every day, every moment I must choose not to just sit in depression, anger, self pity, inadequacy, fear, seeking man’s approval, etc. Every moment these creep in I must choose to speak these things out to Jesus and declare my wholeness, fullness and freedom. He died for these things. They were murdered. My flesh is DEAD. I am alive. I am whole. I am enough. I am free.
P.S.
There’s a video coming soon that captured this moment of freedom in the pool! 🙂
