Running Away isn’t an Option

It’s been nine months and I am now on a plane headed back to America. What else is one to do when trapped in the air than to reflect. So, here I am attempting to reflect this nine month journey. First, I want to ask you to release any expectation you may have of me about what God has taught me and what He has done inside of me. I will be honest, I have a fear of coming back home and not being what people expect me to become after these nine months. But, before I share a little bit of my journey I need to rewind to who I was and where God had me way back before I left the good ole Tennessean soil.

January of 2013 until about August of 2013 I went through an amazing season of so much happy joy and outwardly expressing that joy, mountain top experiences, and a lot of learning and growing. It was so good. I rarely had a bad day and was full of so much energy. In April or May of 2013 I really believe that God encouraged me to go off of my antidepressant that I had been on for a few years. Therefore, I did, though not in the most healthy way. I quit it cold turkey which is never a good idea, but I got through it. Amazingly, going off it didn’t seem to really effect me that much. Then again, I was also on this extreme Jesus high and I felt invincible. Five months later I found myself in Honduras during a worship time, broken and on my face crying out to Jesus in desperation. Little did I know that I was leaving this incredible season of mountain tops and entering into a hard season of valleys and deserts. God was taking me through a season of taking all that I learned on the mountain tops and putting it into practice while trekking through the valley. I could no longer tangibly feel Jesus like I did in the previous months and I missed my community back home who were always so excited about God and speaking life into me and praying over me. Simply put, life did not look like that in our first months of this trip. Reality kicked in and brokeness plagued us all. It’s as if I felt lost without my friends back home, tangibly feeling the presence and joy of the Lord, all the worship nights and prayer nights that were held and the constant listening of podcasts and conferences.

Honduras was a time of much frustration with myself, my team, the squad leaders and the squad as a whole because I just wasn’t happy with how life looked. There seemed to be no joy, no drive, no passion for Jesus and ministry. I was upset that this season looked nothing like the last and I wasn’t having it. Not to mention that people noticed a lot of my sin that I refused to believe was mine. My team gave me a lot of feedback about how I should be more patient, more flexible, not to be so easily frustrated and to be more gentle. They told me that sometimes they don’t want to be around me because I’m not that happy and they feared I would judge or feared what kind of a mood I would be in that day. Hearing these things broke my heart. I was now more angry and began to shut my heart against them. I so badly wanted to leave and run away, but where was I to go. There was no way I was going to just give up and waste $12,000. I was stuck, mad and sad. I couldn’t believe the person I was and I hated who I was being. Constantly, I cried out to God begging him to help me and asking him what was wrong with me. I felt silence. I felt alone.

Circumstances came up and we had to move to Guatemala 1.5 months into our trip. Guatemala ended up being a whole squad sabbatical and revival. The squad as a whole and individually was in a bad place. Teams were falling apart and people were breaking. We were a group of rebellious, disobedient and broken kids that just needed Jesus more than ever. Our squad met up with the AIM Guatemala team that disciples folks before they’re sent out. After a week exploring and enjoying Antigua we packed up to head to Lake Atitlan in San Juan for two weeks. For the first week we had devotions and teachings throughout the day, set aside time for quiet space with the Lord, worship and team building. In the mornings we would gather and have questions to ask the Father in our alone time with Him and then in the afternoons we would meet to share and talk about them. I had such a hard time in these two weeks. I figured out that it is so much easier to listen to music, read a book or listen to a teaching during said time with the Lord, but God wanted just me. I set aside wifi, music, books and podcasts for these few weeks so that I could be wholly the Lord’s and hear just His voice. Each morning I would meet with the Lord with the questions and it never failed; each day I was a fragile mess…a snotty, poofy eyed mess. Most people know me as a people person. I love being around people. However, in these two weeks I wanted nothing else than to just be alone, but in reality I just wanted to be loved.

Here I entered into some depression. This scared me. I hadn’t been depressed like this in some time. I hated who I was and was so displeased with myself. I was upset that I was struggling and confused at why, on a mission trip, I wasn’t feeling God and was being so hard hearted toward the people around me. Each time I met with God I felt unworthy to be in His presence. The whole time He would tell me how much He loves me but I couldn’t receive it. I would look back on some of the things I wrote before I came here and felt ashamed and amazed that I wrote them because I didn’t believe any of it at that moment. God taught me those things in such a great place in order for me to actually take hold of them and walk them out when I’m at rock bottom with nothing else to cling to but TRUTH.

By the end of our time in Guatemala I was still broken but felt like I had a better grip on myself and all that was before me, barely holding onto faith and truth. I was better and overcame a lot between Guatemala and the Philippines. However, I was only fine when I wasn’t looking at my flaws and failures or face to face with my fallen nature. I forgot grace. I forgot the cross. My mind was only clouded with who I wasn’t.

Once again, towards the end of our time in the Philippines I became depressed. This time I let my team help me. I couldn’t hide it. My teammates loved me enough to call it out and show me that they really loved and cared for me. Yet, I was so ashamed and embarrassed. My pride hurt. There were many days that I felt completely naked before them because they were seeing me completely broken and in need of Jesus. Finally, at the end of our time in the Philippines I quit fighting and freaking out with the Lord about where I was and who I was. I truly thought that something was wrong with me for struggling so much and not “feeling” God. My faith was shaking and the view I had of myself was crumbling. I had to accept the reality of my human nature and even more so accept God’s ridiculous love and unchanging grace for ME. There was an urgency to begin believing and receiving what God taught me about his grace, love and mercy despite feeling any of it.

The truth is that God loves me and doesn’t look at my failures and flaws. The truth is that He died for all of my sins past present and future. They’re murdered to the cross. Dead. I have victory by the blood of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit against anything not of the name of Jesus. The truth is that my identity lies in the finished work of the cross and I AM ENOUGH just as I am. The truth is that His grace for me is absurd. The truth is that He is with me always despite tangibly feeling Him or not. The truth is that we all go through seasons for a purpose and sometimes those seasons are valleys and deserts. The truth is that faith is hard and you don’t always get to see the fruit of your labor. Faith requires a ruthless trust in the name, power and goodness of Jesus Christ despite seeing or feeling anything. Faith is choosing to worship Jesus in the face of tragedy, lies, heartache, brokeness, and failure. Faith is standing firm in your identity as a daughter or a son no matter what you do or don’t do. The truth is that I am loved, accepted, worthy, enough, seen, known and understood. The truth is that I am free. I take time to breathe, be still and know that God is with me always. Sometimes, we have to go back to the basics, keep it simple and just abide. Do nothing but be in the Lord and stay there.

This season of life has been the hardest season I have ever walked through. Running away wasn’t an option. I had to face myself. Moreover, I had to face God’s love and grace for me! At first I felt like this season was a waste or that I hadn’t really grown, changed or overcome. Those are lies. My identity is an overcomer. I have overcome. Though this journey has been very difficult and all valleys and deserts, it was worth it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

No, I am not coming back home on some spiritual high. I am not coming back speaking in tongues, healing folks, falling out in worship and prophesying. I am coming back as Laura Beth Harbin…one dearly loved by the Father. I am coming as one that has had the waves of grace and love crash in over me. I am coming back having learned the rawness of faith alone, ruthless trust, absurd grace and ridiculous love through the people I met around the world and my teammates all because running away wasn’t an option. So, here I come with empty hands raised high, ever so grateful for God’s grace and love towards me.