The things that I want to see in my team and squad are good and genuine. However, when I didn't see things happen I would get frustrated and bitter and negative inside. Which ended up being displayed outwardly too. People noticed and were hurt by my negativity. The Father began to reveal to me that I was frustrated about things not happening…yet what was i doing? I cannot control my team or squad…but i can control myself. I would get frustrated seeing that no one spoke life over each other and that it seemed as if we were haphazardly walking through life unintentional…but I was too…i wasn't speaking life either. The things I wanted to see I wasn't even being. I had separated myself so much from everyone. I kept everyone at a distance because selfishly I thought they wouldn't understand, when really it's not about knowing and understanding. Its about walking in the spirit….walking in your identity….walking in the fathers love, in freedom!!! We all come from different walks of life and are in different places. It's not whether someone gets it because it's not my position to make sure they understand. The Father is the only one who does that. But at the time I didn't realize this because I was so stuck inside my own cage within my mind. That's not okay with me.It's not okay with me that I can't even share things with the people I am living life with 24/7. It's not okay that fear has gripped my heart. It's not okay that bitterness and negativity have taken root. It's not okay that I have become silent in the fact that I have separated myself.

Therefore, I am thankful I was home with scabies for 3 days…to just sit with the Lord and be revived back to life…to have love wash over and uproot all the bitterness and negativity and complacency…to have joy instilled back in my heart and very bones. The father so graciously poured love all over my mind and heart…renewed and transformed. His mercies are new each day. I am so thankful for His patience and grace for me. Though it took me a month to let go, I am thankful I am finally realizing what it looks like to let go of control and expectations that I didn't even think that I had. I am growing and learning what it is to breathe and TRUST Jesus! I am thankful for scabies because Jesus brought me back to the simplicity of Himself….of simply enjoying the Father and out of resting in His love and resting in his presence then naturally thanksgiving occurs, worship breaks out, life-giving flows from the tongue, ministry happens, breakthrough releases. Even I have gotten caught up with the motions. I tried so hard to be. But in my trying hard…I wasn't being. The Father just wants me to breathe him in each moment, trusting him with each step and simply enjoying his love and glory! 

I am not called to carry the weight of everyone on my shoulders. I am called to lead a life worthy of Jesus…in all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:1-3). It's not my job that others get it. Only He opens hearts and minds. Its my job to Be it. It's kind of funny because this whole truth of being has been on my heart from the beginning of this month and it's still something that I myself hadn't actually been. haha  So, I am thankful for scabies because through being home and alone with the Father I have been renewed and revived back to life and life abundant! I am thankful for the stretching and growing. It's been a difficult month but the stretching of a rubber band is needed in order for it to be shot out into the great unknown.