Since Being Home

I struggle to find the words to type. Since being home it feels like I am bipolar in my excitements, passions, and especially my emotions. To be honest, some days I wish to just scream and cry out my experience to everyone. And on others, I wish to just stay silent. My time on the field was really really difficult and being home is also difficult, but in different ways. Actually, I take that back…it’s not so different in the difficulty. Sure the circumstances are incredibly different, but the difficulty is the same…keeping my eyes on Jesus and on truth despite ANYTHING or ANYONE else. Gosh, I need Jesus.

If I have learned anything than it is this: GOD’s Grace and love for me is so ridiculous that its stupid… for so long I’ve said “oh thank you jesus for loving me and showing me grace.” Gosh, not until you’re at the bottom, completely desperate and not understanding God one bit, constantly failing and falling…and God looks at you and whispers “shhh, i love you.”, that’s when you realize that his grace is a lot bigger and deeper than you could ever think. It’s stupid ridiculous.

Never have I doubted more. Never have I struggled to hold onto faith. Never have I been so impatient. Never have I been so done with church that I’ve raised my white flag and my hands saying “I just don’t know”. Never has it been such a roller coaster spiritually. It’s as if everything in my life I’ve experience spiritually over a course of 20 years is happening every day. One day not too bad, the next forget it all, next in the clouds, next on my face, and left with more questions than answers. But you know what…God has not stopped pursuing me….and why? To hell if I know but his grace and love is so ridiculous that it’s stupid. I am loved. I am loved. I am enough. God meets me where I’m at.

Nothing else matters. I choose to stop focusing on where everyone else is at in comparison to me, whether being very prideful or just feeling lesser than. Both are looking everywhere else but to Jesus. I choose to stop allowing my feelings and emotions keep me from pursuing TRUTH. Jesus is bigger than my doubt. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. I choose to claim what is mine by the blood of Jesus and if I let go, well, God’s still holding onto me. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.

So, being home…it’s not been easy. I let go of the pressure to be someone extraordinary to people. I let go of the pressure and expectation I’ve placed on myself to have it all together. Truth is…I have come home more real than I ever was, so why try to pretend I have it altogether. Grace is this…that I don’t have it altogether, in fact I’m really broken, yet by God’s grace He has and is making me new. I’m done focusing on everything else that doesn’t matter. Who cares if this church doesn’t raise their hands or play music and this church speaks in tongues and rolls around on the floor? What actually matters? What are we looking at and what are we looking for? JESUS IS ENOUGH!! Forget yourself, you suck as a person, so quit trying harder and just let Jesus love you. Know that you desperately NEED JESUS!! He is good. Just look upon Jesus Christ. I need Jesus.